Step 4: Forgive

Just as Understanding doesn’t imply Acceptance (but it facilitates it), thus Acceptance doesn’t imply Forgiveness (but it facilitates it). 

Even though we accept something, we might still harbour feelings of resentment towards it. Like every other step on the Path of Healing, Forgiveness is a conscious decision, a deliberate choice. In this case it is the decision to release those feelings. And it is an individual process. We all know it, because we’ve done it so many times throughout our lives. And we know that no one can do it for us. Saying it out loud, or phrasing it mentally doesn’t necessarily imply it. That being said, repeating it can lead to actually believing it (and whatever we believe becomes true for us). 

Forgiveness brings with it a feeling of tenderness, even compassion, to the extent that we wish the forgiven to find peace. That’s the cue that we have achieved this step. If you think that you have forgiven someone, but still wish that their whole family burns in the smouldering pits of Hades… you still need to work on it. That’s an extreme and somewhat outdated example, but the principle stands: if we still harbour ill feelings towards someone or something, we haven’t forgiven yet.

So what do we have to forgive? First of all the outside circumstances that lead to the need for this healing, whether a person, event, or state of things (anything that is external to us). Whatever we have felt fully, understood thoroughly and accepted entirely should be quite easy to forgive. If it is not, then we can try to identify what we missed and go through the other stages again to reach the state of mind where forgiveness comes easier. 

Secondly, and just as importantly, if not more, we need to forgive ourselves. We might not realise it, but oftentimes we feel shame or guilt for how we acted towards others and ourselves, because of the pain we were bearing. But that guilt can create cognitive and behavioural loops, which need to be broken, if we are to heal. Therefore, forgive yourself and don’t begrudge any of it. 

One thing that aids in forgiveness is being aware of the consequences of its opposite. The Buddha says that bearing a grudge, towards anyone, is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person dies. Which is completely true. The poison of these negative feelings doesn’t affect the other directly, but merely envenom and embitter ourselves. We’re allowing that person or experience to drain us of mental space and peace, of energy and happiness. The object of our hate doesn’t even lift a finger, and is moreover not even truly affected, since the whole drama is being played out on an inner, emotional and mental level. 

Therefore, strive to forgive, which, of course, does not imply forgetting. We take the lessons that this situation has taught us (about ourselves and others), integrate them and readjust our perception, our actions, our mind and our character accordingly. But we should abandon vengeance and hate, choosing peace and happiness instead. And that might actually hurt them more than our resentment ever could. But that’s their issue to deal with.